The Reality of Parenting: Trusting Your Gut in Challenging Moments

Why sometimes I need to trust my instincts and stand firm in the face of playdate drama and swimming tantrums.

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

I’m a mother, not a parenting expert. In fact, with only four and a half years of experience, I’m probably still at a junior level. Every day is a new lesson, sometimes taught by my daughter, sometimes by me. Some days I rise to the challenge; other times, I fail miserably. If I had a midterm appraisal right now, I’d like to think there’d be some positives, but definitely a few areas for improvement.

This week, I wrote a note about how much I think the baby sleep training industry is a load of rubbish. Now that I’m a parent, I feel exactly the same about parenting advice. Unless you’re a certified psychologist or medical expert, your opinion is just that - an opinion. As mums, we all do things differently. I see it daily with my mum friends, each handling situations in their own way. One thing I’m learning is to not take everything so personally when it comes to my daughter. My instinct as a mother is to be her protector, provider and guide through life. The things I want to teach her are resilience, kindness, hard work, bravery and happiness. Happiness is the foundation for enjoying life, kindness and empathy are essential to build strong relationships, hard work helps her achieve her dreams, bravery empowers her to try new things, and resilience will help her weather whatever storms come her way.

At four and a half years old, teaching resilience is proving to be a challenge (for me more than her). My daughter is kind, loving and helpful, whilst she’s awful at sleeping I do feel I’ve lucked out in the other areas. Her nursery teacher constantly praises her for these qualities. She’s the one offering toys to crying kids or helping the younger children. But sometimes, I think she doesn’t need to give away her toys just because another child is throwing a tantrum. She doesn’t have to change her favourite colour from pink to blue just because someone else says she’s “not allowed.” FYI, when I heard that, I was furious. No one gets to dictate what my child likes. I told her, in no uncertain terms, “You’re allowed to like whatever you like. No one can tell you what to do.” I want her to be kind, but I don’t want her to be a pushover.

This realisation has also made me rethink how I parent on playdates. The old “people-pleaser” in me would have immediately told her to share her toys whenever her friend complained. I’d intervene with phrases like, “Don’t do that,” or “Share your toy.” Now, I’m trying to give them space to resolve issues themselves. It’s a learning curve for me, but I’m getting better at it.

Photo by Caleb Woods on Unsplash

Over half-term, I met up with a friend and her daughter at a massive soft play area (AKA hell on earth - if you know, you know). The girls were happily building towers with blocks when older kids started taking the blocks from my daughter. Her little face was heartbroken. She tried to stop them, but every time she moved to stop one, another came along behind her and took more. I didn’t step in right away, mainly because my friend seemed relaxed about it, and I thought maybe I was overreacting. But my heart broke for her as she looked at the empty space where her tower had stood. The only thing left was a little soft toy horse. Then an older boy came up to her and tried to take it. She refused to let go, and when he pushed her, she stood her ground and said, “Do not push me.” She didn’t let go. I was silently cheering her on, so proud of her for standing up for herself. As much as I want to protect her from everything, I know she has to learn how to handle these situations herself.

Then, there was the swimming lesson incident yesterday. My daughter and her friend were at the pool. It usually goes that they seem to get along for the first ten minutes, but then they clash, and it all ends in tears. To be honest, it’s always a very exhausting experience. True to form, they had a lovely time in the pool, but after the lesson, I heard my daughter shriek and cry in a way I’d never heard before. She was crying because her friend had taken her swimming hat. Despite my attempts to reason with her that the hats were exactly the same, she was devastated, insisting that her friend had taken hers and she wanted it back. The other girl was refusing and shrieking and screaming too. From past behaviour and my daughter’s distress, my gut told me she was telling the truth. The other child refused to swap hats and chaos ensued.

In the chaos, I snatched both hats away from the girls, muddled them behind my back, and gave one to each of them. My daughter seemed happy with the hat I’d given her, but the other girl, seeing my daughter calm, tried to snatch hers back again. At that point, I genuinely don’t understand why a 5-year-old would want to cause so much friction (psychologists, please feel free to chime in). That’s when the animalistic mother instinct kicked in. There I was, in a full-on tug-of-war with a five-year-old, poolside, in front of about twenty parents. The other girl’s mum scooped her up and carried her off, screaming and crying, and that’s when I started second-guessing myself. Should I have advocated for my daughter like that? Maybe this was all my child’s fault and I’d been unfair. That’s when the people-pleaser in me reared its ugly head. Holding my daughter, still upset, I told her she needed to apologise to her friend. I said I wouldn’t accept this behaviour in public and if it happened again, we wouldn’t come swimming. What was I thinking? If I can’t advocate for my daughter and trust my gut, who will?

When we got home, I realised my daughter was well within her rights to be upset. I shouldn’t feel guilty for sticking up for her. I need to trust my instincts. As parents, it’s our job to protect our kids, and if we don’t stand by them, who will? I’ve learned that sometimes parenting is about showing up for your child, even when you’re unsure of the right thing to do. After lots of hugs, we finished the afterrnoon off talking about what had happened at the pool and then we tucked into fish finger wraps and an episode or two of Puffin Rock on the TV.

So now, I see this as a reminder to always be there for my daughter. Be kind, fair and, most importantly, listen to my gut. After all, parenting is about learning and growing together, through the tantrums, the tough moments and the victories. In the end, it’s about teaching her to stand strong in who she is and for me to do the same.

I would love to hear if any of this resonates with parents out there. Please drop a heartt and a comment below and let me know.

NB: This is a raw post for me. I don’t believe my daughter is perfect or blameless. If she ever did something to genuinely hurt someone, I’d hold her accountable. But in this instance, I didn’t parent my best. In typical millennial mum fashion, I couldn’t sleep all night, wracked with guilt, so I took my daughter out for toast at our favourite café this morning to make up for it. She didn’t seem to care at all. But it’s taught me that some kids don’t bring out the best in each other. My daughter has playdates with many kids and they’re perfectly pleasant, but this dynamic just doesn’t work. I’ve decided that I need to hold firm in my boundaries and limit one-on-one playdates with this other child. I know it will end in tears and arguments for them and mental exhaustion for us mums. And, let’s be honest, there’s no fun in that.