I could definitely relate to this post Lucy - I wrote a post last week about how we should all be encouraged to trust our instincts more as mums, because advice often doesn't work. I'll be honest, I've always found playdates extremely stressful when my kids were young, so much so that I stopped having them as I'd find myself overthinking and trying to keep everyone happy even if I didn't agree with what the other child did. Just awkward!
Definitely relate to this! I'm really conscious of not wanting to pass on my people pleasing to my daughter, and also that maybe I'm more likely to subconsciously encourage her to people please because she's a girl.. we were just discuss the other day how we often ask our kids to apologise or intervene when it was the other child's fault to smooth social situation, but you're so right what message is that sending to our kids!? You're doing amazing and the fact that you can reflect on what you felt wasn't your best moment and try to be better makes you a wonderful parent with a very lucky daughter! I'm going to join you in trying to be stronger in this, we can do it! Xx
First first, you are a Fantastic Mum, don't ever doubt that. And while I can't talk to the specifics of the pool situation, I think we can all relate to tantrums/meltdowns in public places where we are convinced everyone is judging us as the worst Mum in the History of Mums. Chances are the parents watching, probably thought, 'ugh, I feel bad for that Mum...we have all been there, that stage is hard." I am not a Psychologist or Therapist either, but I would imagine that it was less about which hat she had and more that your daughter didn't think the situation was "fair". One of my boys who is now 13, always struggled with this, whether it was a different bag of crisps, a color of a bowl or a specific pair of goggles. He would go all in....sometimes I gave in out of exhaustion, sometimes I went to battle and one time, I threw the bag of crisps at his head & burst into tears which stopped him in his track....and then we had a giggle. One thing I have done when the temperatures have gone down is to role play the situation which could be empowering for your daughter. Say that evening while you are having yummy fish fingers (I hate that they call them fish sticks here!), ask your daughter to play Mummy and you role play her by using more calm words about being frustrated and why should you give away something that is yours, etc... and then she can be the grown up and try and calm you down. It would be interesting if she used the same words you have used to help her. When I did this with my boys when they were little, we would be howling with laughter at the end. Also, finally, they do forget easily....so try not keep bringing it up since I am sure she has moved way beyond that incident that traumatized you. Children have an amazing ability to live in the present without stressing about yesterday or tomorrow (not all...mine were like that). Lastly, my boys are now teenagers and have ZERO memories of these traumatic moments (for me) when they were toddlers. ZERO! I have videos where I recorded their tantrums and they can hardly believed that they ever cared so much about whether they had the Mickey Mouse of Spiderman cup! Be Kind to yourself...you are doing great....you are there for daughter and will always be. It is a long journey with good, bad and plain old ugly. Sorry didn't mean this to be so long! 😂
This is such amazing advice, Josephine! Thank you so much. I love the role play idea and actually I think she is probably more in tune with her emotions than I am. We are reading through a preschool book about emotions at the moment and I think I’m learning more than her. Thanks also for flagging they don’t remember much. I’m quite a sensitive individual, so I assume she must be the same and I need to stop that. I think in this instance, the little girl in question is quite ‘spiteful’ if I can use that work. They’ve known each other for two years and she’s always been a bit mean to my daughter (hitting, biting and pushing her over) and now older just the constant ‘you can’t do that’, ‘you’re not old enough to do that.’ I find it bizarre behaviour, so I think I’m more sensitive around this particular child. I am so glad that these moments won’t scar them… again me being too sensitive in everything! Love the long reply and really appreciate it! Thank you for reading xxxx
I could definitely relate to this post Lucy - I wrote a post last week about how we should all be encouraged to trust our instincts more as mums, because advice often doesn't work. I'll be honest, I've always found playdates extremely stressful when my kids were young, so much so that I stopped having them as I'd find myself overthinking and trying to keep everyone happy even if I didn't agree with what the other child did. Just awkward!
Definitely relate to this! I'm really conscious of not wanting to pass on my people pleasing to my daughter, and also that maybe I'm more likely to subconsciously encourage her to people please because she's a girl.. we were just discuss the other day how we often ask our kids to apologise or intervene when it was the other child's fault to smooth social situation, but you're so right what message is that sending to our kids!? You're doing amazing and the fact that you can reflect on what you felt wasn't your best moment and try to be better makes you a wonderful parent with a very lucky daughter! I'm going to join you in trying to be stronger in this, we can do it! Xx
First first, you are a Fantastic Mum, don't ever doubt that. And while I can't talk to the specifics of the pool situation, I think we can all relate to tantrums/meltdowns in public places where we are convinced everyone is judging us as the worst Mum in the History of Mums. Chances are the parents watching, probably thought, 'ugh, I feel bad for that Mum...we have all been there, that stage is hard." I am not a Psychologist or Therapist either, but I would imagine that it was less about which hat she had and more that your daughter didn't think the situation was "fair". One of my boys who is now 13, always struggled with this, whether it was a different bag of crisps, a color of a bowl or a specific pair of goggles. He would go all in....sometimes I gave in out of exhaustion, sometimes I went to battle and one time, I threw the bag of crisps at his head & burst into tears which stopped him in his track....and then we had a giggle. One thing I have done when the temperatures have gone down is to role play the situation which could be empowering for your daughter. Say that evening while you are having yummy fish fingers (I hate that they call them fish sticks here!), ask your daughter to play Mummy and you role play her by using more calm words about being frustrated and why should you give away something that is yours, etc... and then she can be the grown up and try and calm you down. It would be interesting if she used the same words you have used to help her. When I did this with my boys when they were little, we would be howling with laughter at the end. Also, finally, they do forget easily....so try not keep bringing it up since I am sure she has moved way beyond that incident that traumatized you. Children have an amazing ability to live in the present without stressing about yesterday or tomorrow (not all...mine were like that). Lastly, my boys are now teenagers and have ZERO memories of these traumatic moments (for me) when they were toddlers. ZERO! I have videos where I recorded their tantrums and they can hardly believed that they ever cared so much about whether they had the Mickey Mouse of Spiderman cup! Be Kind to yourself...you are doing great....you are there for daughter and will always be. It is a long journey with good, bad and plain old ugly. Sorry didn't mean this to be so long! 😂
This is such amazing advice, Josephine! Thank you so much. I love the role play idea and actually I think she is probably more in tune with her emotions than I am. We are reading through a preschool book about emotions at the moment and I think I’m learning more than her. Thanks also for flagging they don’t remember much. I’m quite a sensitive individual, so I assume she must be the same and I need to stop that. I think in this instance, the little girl in question is quite ‘spiteful’ if I can use that work. They’ve known each other for two years and she’s always been a bit mean to my daughter (hitting, biting and pushing her over) and now older just the constant ‘you can’t do that’, ‘you’re not old enough to do that.’ I find it bizarre behaviour, so I think I’m more sensitive around this particular child. I am so glad that these moments won’t scar them… again me being too sensitive in everything! Love the long reply and really appreciate it! Thank you for reading xxxx